Have you ever been unable to describe in words the lack of emotion you feel in a bland moment? How do you describe the disconnected feeling you have when your focus has lost it's object. What is the point of continuing to struggle for meaning when you know the meaning is there but you are unable to access it because of the state of your own mind?
How can you describe the lack of feeling involved in being away from God? Or maybe the feeling of tranquil peace you feel when God is near? Can an Observer tell the difference? Are there Social cues that give it away? The distracted fluttering of the eyes? Does your heart beat differently, or do your hands pause at less than opportune moments? Can physical reaction to things beyond the physical be observed? I don't know, sometimes I feel as though others can observe when I am disconnected. I feel like there are eyes all around me that notice when I am bent. Yet I know deep in me that there are no physical cues- no difference in breath or action. No skipping of the heart, no distinctive facial expression. Yet still I feel the pressure upon me. The weight of my emptiness in the moment crushing me.
Yet when I am joyful, people often ask me how I feel. When I am not, I usually don't get that question posed directly to me... Maybe it's because when i feel terrible my first reaction is sarcasm. To make puns at the feeling inside. Laugh away the pain. What a terrible realization that is that in my darkest moments, some look at me and see wellness. Strange: that I am a hypocrite in both respects- When in darkness I seem from the outside to be more jovial than when I am truly happy, and when I am happy (usually characterized by focus and stillness of mind) I am characterized by others as down.
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