My absense

My absense from my blog over the last few months is most likely due to the struggles I have been going through in my walk with Christ. I have been wavering, doubting, struggling, feeling an inhuman weight upon my shoulders.... but above all, I have been giving ground to the enemy. But throughout all this struggle, I have never stopped loving, or at least attempting to love, all people. I felt as though my world was being torn apart, and yet at the same time, I always knew that there would be a glorious light at the end of the tunnel. I am just waiting for the day when God hopefully looks down upon me and says, "Well done good and faithfull servant, well done."
 But when one is in a fog, when one is under spiritual attack, it is difficult to see the end of the tunnel. When one is stuck in dark water, even if they are just below the surface, they have no way of knowing where the surface truly lies. They try and try, but until the hand pierces through the waves and the head protrudes afterwards, and an inhail of sweet fresh air finally comes, all one sees and experiences is the blackness that surrounds them. That water is suffering... That water is torment, that water embodies everything that I hold in contempt, and yet I know that it is my duty, as one that is supposed to love all unconditionally, to dive down again to the depths, struggle with the Monsters that are held therein, with the knowledge that it is only temporary. The knowledge that I am not alone, even in the greatest depths, is enough to keep me pressing foreward. I firmly believe that God's hand is on my life, and hopefully I am drawing nearer to him, even when I feel so far away. Hopefully the seasons of pruning, the seasons when I am immersed in falsity, will bring about seasons of abounding joy. I want to rejoice in all of life, and I want to rejoice in the Grace and mercy of my great savior. I want to eat from the tree of life that exists only in Christ. I am not a perfect being, and I am congnizant of my need for a savior, as we all are, whether we acknowledge it or not. I look at all the things that tie me to this earth: The computer in front of me, the books on my shelf, the clothes in the closet, the Ipod on the desk, the guitar in the corner, the bed behind me, and the passions within me, and I wonder, how can I detach myself from it all? How do I rid myself of this slavery that binds me to the earth, the same slavery that often keeps me from truly loving others? Can I? Should I? Or should I simply ask for mercy, and live as close a life to christ's that I can until the day when I am "partaking in the divine nature" (2 peter 1)? I love my savior so much, because I know that I cannot live without him, without that love and mercy. I cannot live without his morality, that morality that is meant point to a life under grace.

I know this is beginning to ramble on, but I figure this is very important... Important for my soul. I need to thank God for all that I have been given and ask that God's mercy would rest on everyone around me, and that God would give me the wisdom to walk in his blessing. God is great, and I will sing his praise for all my days.

In Closing, I would like to say that there is something that needs to change withing the structure of the church as a whole. We need to live in community with eachother. The service has been too focussed on only the service. We need to learn from one another, eat together, pray together, and be one together. It is difficult, I know, and the task is daunting, ecspecially when Ideas that have no place in a church are often held by the leaders therein. Gnostic Ideas, such as a radical seperation of the flesh and spirit. If we are but spirit, and the flesh is all evil, then there is no need of a ressurection, and christ's own ressurection meant nothing. Christ had flesh, and it doesn't seem that he lost it, but for three days. He rose from the dead, solidifying his place as the son of God. He is alive, not in spirit alone, but also in body. Gnosticism is dangerous, but it could be avoid, not only if we were tought different, but also if we all learned to live in community with one another. Unity of both belief and God. It is not impossible, but it takes a humbling of ourselves. Do not reject this notion of unity, for only when we ourselves are unified can we ever hope to reach an unbelieving world. I love you all, and will pray... pray that your faith is not in vain, and pray that God will reside within your inner most being.