Approaching the Infinite

2011-11-18T08:14:00.000-08:00

One foggy morning....

2010-09-19T00:13:00.000-07:00

A deep and beautiful fog has shrouded the world in mist this morning. What would normally be nothing more than a thin belt of trees is transformed into a deep & mysterious forest, filled with unknown perils, and unspoiled splendours. A new creature to be discovered around every corner, & help acquired in the most unlikely of places.

The annoying whines of the dog down the street are transformed into a blood curdling cry for help. The spider webs, craftily interwoven and crested with jewels of dew, glitter all around me. These structures, weighed down with their heavy glistening loads, almost seem designed to catch the eye of the most uncaring passerby. What is blind & invisible fear in the dark of night or the heat of a summer day is a mark of the beauty of creation when seen under the blanket of mist.

The pitter patter of droplets accumulating high in the trees & falling from leaf to branch to leaf is like the sound of a great and mighty army marching off to war.

The grass, cool & spongy beneath the feet, feels as if one jump too high, or one step too hard, might cause my foot to sink so deep that it might pop upright somewhere in another world. As if right beneath the surface was not earth and worms, but a portal to a world of dreams. The two great trees at the edge of the forest, the guardians of this sleeping world, may not have roots at all, but mirror images of themselves in the world below our feet. A world where the landscape is as unpredictable as the creatures that inhabit it. A world where the plane soaring overhead, shattering the peace of the endless forest below, was not a plane at all, but a great dragon of immeasurable size and menace. A world where that army of droplets are marching to war: war against the dragon to win back from his clutches the Glistening lady of the web, clothed in the silk of a thousand spinning spiders. It is her blood curdling cries I hear, driving them onward, to victory or death.

I take one last look around me, at the twinkling webs clinging to the walls, and at the guardian trees. I listen again to the patter of the soldiers' feet, and cringe at the sound of the dragon's roar. Take in the sound of birds chirping, and listen carefully to the distant cry of the lady of the web. After all this, standing to my feet, I re-enter our world through the sliding glass door, careful to leave undisturbed the great web spanned across its surface.

The Grand Inquisitor: A response

2010-09-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

The Grand Inquisitor: A response
Fyodor Dostoevsky had a way of delving into the most despicable, rotten places in all of humanity, taking seriously the ideas held therein, and emerging on the other side seemingly unscathed. He was an Orthodox Christian, and yet he felt no qualms about voicing the most alarming and persuasive arguments against God ever articulated. Dostoevsky wrote Rebellion and The Grand inquisitor.
These two chapters within the pages of his famous book, “The Brothers Karamazov”, have been published separately, effectively ripped from their context, because of how poignant the arguments are. These two chapters are essentially expressions of the atheism of Ivan Karamazov, the Brother of Alyosha Karamazov. Additionally, it is interesting to note that Dostoevsky in no way agreed with these chapters, and gives solutions to the problems raised therein. This ripping from the context of the story in which they were written does not do Dostoevsky’s work justice. It does not give him any chance to respond.
The Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor are tactfully and flawlessly woven together. One chapter would not make sense without the other, and vice-versa. Rebellion exists if and only if The Grand Inquisitor exists. Where these two chapters connect and reach their peak persuasiveness is not always readily apparent. In the next few pages, I will write a detailed summation of the two chapters, and then show in what way they are connected. Then I will present a solution Dostoevsky offers in response to these chapters later in the book.
Rebellion
Rebellion begins with Ivan making a declaration that it is impossible to love individual people. It is impossible to look at someone face to face and love them. “One can love one’s neighbors in the abstract, or even at a distance, but at close quarters it’s almost impossible.” (Page 220) It is easy to love humanity as a whole, but loving individuals is almost impossible. This distinction is essential to understanding Ivan’s conclusion at the end of The Grand Inquisitor. Ivan then quickly proceeds to tell a series of heart wrenching stories about the injustices committed by mankind to children; the most horrible of these being the torture and brutal murder of a young servant boy by his master.
“One day a serf-boy, a little child of eight, threw a stone in play and hurt the paw of the general's favorite hound.’Why is my favorite dog lame?' He is told that the boy threw a stone that hurt the dog's paw. 'So you did it.' The general looked the child up and down. 'Take him.' He was taken -- taken from his mother and kept shut up all night. Early that morning the general comes out on horseback… in full hunting parade. The servants are summoned for their edification, and in front of them all stands the mother of the child. The child is brought from the lock-up… The general orders the child to be undressed; the child is stripped naked. He shivers, numb with terror, not daring to cry.... 'Make him run,' commands the general. 'Run! run!' shout the dog-boys. The boy runs.... 'At him!' yells the general, and he sets the whole pack of hounds on the child. The hounds catch him, and tear him to pieces before his mother's eyes!... I believe the general was afterwards declared incapable of administering his estates. Well -- what did he deserve? To be shot? To be shot for the satisfaction of our moral feelings? Speak, Alyosha!

"To be shot," murmured Alyosha, lifting his eyes to Ivan with a pale, twisted smile.”
Ivan then proceeds to tell Alyosha that he understands nothing. He doesn’t want to understand anything anymore. He refuses to acknowledge, accept, or come up with a theory that would allow for this injustice against children to take place. “I must have justice, or I will destroy myself.” He wants to see those people who participated in the brutality against children brought to justice. He wants to see justice that cannot be met for the children. But then again, he does not understand, nor want to understand, why children must go through such tragedy. Even if the one who tortures the child is subject to eternal grief, it still would not change the fact that the child was tortured first.
“What good can hell do, since those children have already been tortured? And what becomes of harmony, if there is hell? I want to forgive. I want to embrace. I don't want more suffering... I don't want the mother to embrace the oppressor who threw her son to the dogs! She dare not forgive him! Let her forgive him for herself, if she will, let her forgive the torturer for the immeasurable suffering of her mother's heart. But the sufferings of her tortured child she has no right to forgive; she dare not forgive the torturer, even if the child were to forgive him! And if that is so, if they dare not forgive, what becomes of harmony? Is there in the whole world a being who would have the right to forgive and could forgive? I don't want harmony. From love for humanity I don't want it.”
Ivan does not end this manifesto of the problem of evil with a disbelief in God, only with a rejection of God’s form of justice. Ivan does not want to forgive, and believes that forgiveness is in itself an injustice to the children. “It's not God that I don't accept, Alyosha, only I most respectfully return him the ticket." God’s form of justice is lacking. God’s justice is void of real ethical satisfaction. How can someone forgive these despicable oppressors for the cruelty that they enacted? Alyosha is asked to imagine that he is the one who has been charged with manufacturing the destiny of all Mankind with the final intention of bringing them eternal “peace and rest”, but the happiness hinges on one condition: that one child should be tortured to death; that the little boy be ripped apart by the dogs. He asks if Alyosha could ever be the creator of such a scenario. Alyosha replies, "No, I wouldn't consent,"
Then Ivan asks if the one child is worth the price of men’s happiness, and asks if the men for whom this destiny was created should accept such a sacrifice such as the child for happiness. Alyosha replies with an indignant denial of this. At this point Alyosha brings up Christ. He says that there is one who can forgive, and has the right to forgive. Christ, who died on behalf of all, for all. The connection between the Grand inquisitor and rebellion is made clear in this: Ivan makes his treatise about the injustice of God letting bad men go unpunished. In “rejecting the Ticket” and rejecting God’s Justice/forgiveness, Ivan must also account for Christ. Christ himself and his solutions to the problem of evil are the main focus of Ivan’s, The Grand Inquisitor.
The Grand Inquisitor
Ivan chooses for the setting of his “Poem” the height of the Spanish inquisition in the 16th Century. The fires the inquisition used to burn dissenters to death are constantly lit. No one dares to challenge the power of the inquisition in Spain. The people live in constant fear and near complete submission to their overlords. And out from among the people comes a ragged figure dressed as a beggar. The man is Christ, and for some reason, everyone recognizes him as such. He performs a few overt miracles and works other less noticeable miracles in the hearts of those he comes into contact with. At the steps of a Cathedral there lay a body of a young girl in her open casket. Surrounded by a great crowd awestruck and amazed, he raises the girl from the dead. Yet at that very moment, a hush falls over the crowd. Suddenly an opening forms straight through the crowd, and emerging from the midst of the people is the Grand Inquisitor. The Inquisitor orders Christ to be arrested, and thrown into the prison of the inquisition.
The grand inquisitor comes into the cell that Christ is in and begins to talk at him, over the next few hours he proceeds to tell him that the church no longer needs him. He says he will burn Christ at the stake in the morning. The monologue that ensues (Christ does not say a word the whole time) details an argument against Christ that can essentially be split into 3 different parts: those parts are the three temptations Christ overcame when fasting for 40 days in the desert. Those temptations are A) To turn Rocks into Bread, B) To perform an objective miracle, and C) To have power over all the nations. The Inquisitor insists that Christ was wrong on all three counts, and that the devil was actually Correct. His arguments are As Follows:
The first Temptation
“… but Thou didst reject the one infallible banner which was offered Thee to make all men bow down to Thee alone- the banner of earthly bread; and Thou hast rejected it for the sake of freedom and the bread of Heaven. Behold what Thou didst further. And all again in the name of freedom! I tell Thee that man is tormented by no greater anxiety than to find someone quickly to whom he can hand over that gift of freedom with which the ill-fated creature is born.”
The first temptation the devil subjected Christ to was a suggestion for Christ turn rocks into bread, thereby satisfying his desire for food. Christ’s response to the “Dread Spirit” is that “man does not live by bread alone, but everything that proceeds from the mouth of the lord .” The Grand Inquisitor extrapolates the meaning of the passage beyond Christ’s personal needs to the needs of all people collectively. He states that Christ’s object in refusing to turn rocks into bread was also a declaration of Christ’s will to preserve all people’s freedom of choice. Christ wanted to preserve humanity’s freedom to choose him willingly. The Inquisitor states that it would have been better for humanity if Christ were to have turned rocks into bread. Then the choice would have been made for him. The one who controls the bread controls the hearts and minds of the people. Christ could have made the hungry dependent on him by controlling their food. The bread of heaven is too hard to attain. It requires work, and that is something the “weak” are not willing to work for. The Grand Inquisitor effectively says that humanity will hand over their freedom for the sake of earthly bread, for comfort, and shelter. “Choosing "bread," Thou wouldst have satisfied the universal and everlasting craving of humanity- to find someone to worship.”He goes on to say that as long as man is free, his greatest desire, and most ardent pursuit is to find someone to worship. . “But man seeks to worship what is established beyond dispute, so that all men would agree at once to worship it.” He says that the striving for one object of worship for all people, a universal community, is what man truly wants. Give men bread and they will fall at your feet.
By not turning rocks into bread, Christ kept Man’s freedom to choose to believe or not. He gave them freedom of Conscience. If only Christ would have denied men this freedom, he would have been worshipped by all. But that worship would not be one that gives life to the soul, only satisfaction to the appetite.
What the Grand inquisitor offers instead is this very bread that Christ denied. In doing so, the Inquisitor takes their freedom away, thereby satisfying their needs. The man will return every time to the one that feeds him, as long as the one holds the man’s conscience in his hands.
The Second Temptation
“Is the nature of men such, that they can reject miracle, and at the great moments of their life, the moments of their deepest, most agonising spiritual difficulties, cling only to the free verdict of the heart? Oh, Thou didst know that Thy deed would be recorded in books, would be handed down to remote times and the utmost ends of the earth, and Thou didst hope that man, following Thee, would cling to God and not ask for a miracle. But Thou didst not know that when man rejects miracle he rejects God too; for man seeks not so much God as the miraculous… Thou wouldst not enslave man by a miracle, and dist crave faith given freely, not based on miracle. Thou didst crave for free love and not the base raptures of the slave before the might that has overawed him forever.”
The second temptation the “Dread Spirit” tempted Christ with was to jump off the top of the temple over the rocks below, and call upon God for a miracle to save him. To this, Christ replied, “'You shall not put the lord your God to the test.'” Again the Inquisitor interprets this second temptation as Christ allowing men to come to him freely. Instead the Grand inquisitor offers a correction of Christ’s work. He says that if Christ truly loved humanity, he would have expected less of them. Free love is too difficult, and a miracle like that would have brought people to their knees. “We have corrected thy work and have founded it upon miracle, mystery, and authority.”The miracle is that one can live without conscience, giving the burden of their conscience to the priest. Their sin is absolved, and expiated without requiring any personal change. No love is required, and any hint of conscience is held in contempt.
The Third Temptation
“Thou wouldst have accomplished all that man seeks on earth—that is, someone to worship, someone to keep his conscience, and some means of uniting all in one unanimous and harmonious ant-heap, for the craving of universal unity is the third and last anguish of men.” The third and final temptation of Christ was the treatise for Universal Unity. The “dread spirit” tells him that he would give to Christ all the nations of the earth, if only Christ would bow down and worship him. In response, Christ replies “Go Satan. For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’” If Christ would have only said yes to the spirit, the world would have been united under one banner. He did not, but the inquisitor said yes to this. “Just eight centuries ago, we took from him what Thou didst reject with scorn.” These three things account for all the inquisitor needs to secure his control over all of humanity. Someone to worship provides the Inquisitor with control over man’s freedom. A clear conscience in the midst of great personal sin provides each person a false sense of salvation. Finally, universal unity provides the final link in the chain.
“We shall tell them that every sin will be expiated, if it is done with our permission, that we allow them to sin because we love them, and the punishment for these sins we take upon ourselves. And we shall take it upon ourselves, and they will adore us as their saviours who have taken on themselves their sins before God. And they will have no secrets from us. We shall allow or forbid them to live with their wives and mistresses, to have or not to have children according to whether they have been obedient or disobedient- and they will submit to us gladly and cheerfully.”

Linking the two Chapters Together
The inquisitor’s assessment of the temptations leads up to the final conclusion of the two chapters, the Rebellion and the Grand inquisitor. This conclusion makes sense of the connection between the problem of evil, and the inquisitor’s solution for it. All of man’s guilt has been appeased, and their conscience is clear, all men are one in unity, and man’s hunger is satisfied. And because of all these things, the children are spared. “There will be thousands of millions of happy babes…”, and it is for the sake of these children that the Grand inquisitor rejected Christ. He rejected Christ’s answer for the sake of the children. For love of humanity, he did this. Rebellion cannot exist without the Grand Inquisitor. The argument put forth in rebellion about the injustice of a system of thought that allows for such evil to occur is really what both chapters boil down to. The babies who die no longer die in Ivan’s humanitarian utopia. People are satisfied with bread, mystery, and world peace. The great mystery is the fact that the Grand Inquisitor himself is an Atheist.
Dostoevsky’s Solutions
Articulating the solution provided by Dostoevsky is somewhat difficult, because it is not a straightforward intellectual answer, such as is provided in Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor. Instead of providing a point by point rebuttal of every issue raised by Ivan, his response is personal love: more specifically, the love of God to every individual person. Earlier in this paper, I quoted a passage from rebellion, in which Ivan says that it is impossible to love individual people face to face. "I could never understand how one can love one's neighbors. It's just one's neighbors, to my mind, that one can't love, though one might love those at a distance.” Instead, Ivan opts for an impersonal form of love, in which one cares for the fate of humanity as a whole. This impersonal love can be juxtaposed with the infinitely personal love portrayed by the life of Father Zossima. One could even go so far as saying that this impersonal form of love truly is not a love at all, since it can allow for one to commit such horrible atrocities for the sake of humanity as a whole (The Spanish Inquisition). Instead of drumming up a point by point rebuttal of Ivan’s Atheist manifesto, I will attempt to re-write the important points of Father Zossima’s life, highlighting the times when this life of personal sacrificial love is made most evident. Just as Alyosha’s only answer to Ivan’s Grand Inquisitor is a Kiss, so also Dostoevsky’s answer is love. Father Zossima is an old Orthodox monk, and Alyosha’s spiritual Elder. The chapters that detail the information surrounding his life are written in the form of a story Zossima tells to his dearest friends.
An Excerpt from Life of Father Zossima
(A paraphrase)
In his early twenties, Zossima was an officer in the military. He was a cordial, yet cruel young man. He and the other officers treated the soldiers like trash, and spent their time on drunkenness and easy living. Everyone liked him because he had recently come into his inheritance, and had a small fortune to his name. He soon became fond of a woman who was betrothed, although he did not know it at the time. When he returned from duty, and found the woman married, he became enraged, and challenged her husband to a duel. After the even tempered man had been thoroughly egged on, he accepted the challenge. The duel was set for the next morning, so Zossima went home to prepare himself. “…and then something happened that in very truth was the turning point of my life.” When he got home, he brutally beat his orderly, Afanasy, in the face until the poor man was covered in blood. Then he went to sleep, and woke up a few hours later and watched the sun rise. He saw the beauty of the world around him, and asked himself, “What is the meaning of it?” And in this moment all he felt was something appalling and shameful within him. He asked himself what it was, and then he realized that it was because he had beat Afanasy the night before. Afanasy had taken the beating without raising a finger in defense. He was sick, and was disgusted at what he had become.
“It was as though a sharp dagger had pierced me right through. I stood as if I were struck dumb, while the sun was shining, the leaves were rejoicing and the birds were trilling the praise of God.... I hid my face in my hands, fell on my bed and broke into a storm of tears. And then I remembered by brother Markel and what he said on his death-bed to his servants: "My dear ones, why do you wait on me, why do you love me, am I worth your waiting on me?"
He asked himself if he was worth another human being serving him. He understood that his mastership over his servant was nothing more than a farce. He felt within him the weight of responsibility not only for his horrible deed, but also for daring to think that his life was worth more than Afanasy’s. Then, all of a sudden, everything became clear. He could not end the life of a man, and deprive “…his wife of happiness for the rest of her life.” That man was an infinitely better and more important man than himself.
Then he got up, and went to Afanasy where he was sleeping and said he was wrong. He looked Afanasy straight in the face and asked for his forgiveness. “He started as though he were frightened, and looked at me; and I saw that it was not enough, and on the spot, in my full officer's uniform, I dropped at his feet and bowed my head to the ground.”
"Forgive me," I said.” Afanasy replied, “Your honor... sir, what are you doing? Am I worth it?"
Something happened in Father Zossima’s heart that day. Only after this moment did he understand what love really is. He understood his responsibility to his neighbor, and his burden for all people. This is Dostoevsky’s positive response to Ivan’s statement that it is impossible to love one’s neighbor. Only after one has been pierced through the heart, and has love for each individual person (not humanity as a whole), can one truly know that it is indeed possible to love one’s neighbor. It isn’t easy, and takes much hard work, but it is possible. And unlike the Inquisitor, who is full of hatred for individuals, and who bears the burden of his secret with much sorrow, the one who loves as God loves Rejoices.

Zossima Speaks Out
“If, after your kiss, he goes away untouched, mocking at you, do not let that be a stumbling-block to you. It shows his time has not yet come, but it will come in due course. And if it come not, no Matter; if not he, then another in his place will understand and suffer, and judge and condemn himself, and the truth will be fulfilled. Believe that, believe it without doubt; for in that lies all the hope and faith of the saints.”
Alyosha’s answer to Ivan’s atheism is a kiss. A kiss that represents a love that can only be attained when one has love for all people and each one individually. That kiss: the expression of love toward that individual person will illuminate the truth in the person’s life. And if not in that person’s life, then in the next person that one offers that love to. Love all people, not only rationally, but from the heart. One must continually love everything and everyone. Zossima goes on to speak of hell as the suffering of being unable to love. This maps perfectly with the personality of the Atheist characters portrayed in the book. Ivan portrays a great passion and love towards humanity as a whole, and yet seems to disdain every person he comes into contact with. Even the one he loves he hates. Smerdyakov, the one who murders the Father of the Karamazov Brothers is no better. Aside from declaring that “All is lawful”, he also holds all people in contempt, and ends up committing suicide in his despair. Hell really is the suffering of being unable to love, for how can one disdain his neighbor, and not be in a state of despair himself? These men that hold the “great mystery” spoken of in the Grand Inquisitor have no true love for others. It is nothing more than a façade. It seems that the more one loves humanity as a whole, the less one loves each man individually. The more one holds to universal unity without God, the less capable they are of bringing it to pass. Besides, what good is a hundred million children if none of them know love? What good is shelter and bread if they don’t know the loving embrace of their mother? What good is a world of peaceful servitude if one does not have the freedom to love all?
Conclusion

“Yes, we shall set them to work, but in their leisure hours we shall make their life like a child’s game, with children’s songs and innocent dance. Oh, we shall allow them even sin, they are weak and helpless, and they will love us like children because we allow them to sin. We shall tell them that every sin will be expiated, if it is done with our permission, that we allow them to sin because we love them, and the punishment for these sins we take upon ourselves. And we shall take it upon ourselves, and they will adore us as their saviors who have taken on themselves their sins before God. And they will have no secrets from us. We shall allow or forbid them to live with their wives and mistresses, to have or not to have children according to whether they have been obedient or disobedient- and they will submit to us gladly and cheerfully.”
The truth of the matter is that the Grand Inquisitor’s beliefs underlie all of society today. The humanitarian message put forth in the Grand inquisitor can tactfully be re- applied today in the form of Technology. Only a select few people are scientists, and they truly hold all the power. People are awed by their ability to turn rocks into bread (mass production), and subdue the masses (computers, video games, TV). Men are content to do just as the Grand Inquisitor says: go to work, and in our leisure hours they make our lives like a child’s Game. Personal morality is worthless when we can expiate our desires onto graphic sexual or violent video games. Today, we can have anything we want, as long as it does not directly affect anyone else ethically. The truth is that we are living in the time where every day the Grand Inquisitor’s vision of a willfully enslaved mankind increases and increases. In our world, all is lawful, the children are safe and happy, world “peace” is attained, and no-one is free. Is that the world we want for ourselves? In a world where the Grand Inquisitor's vision is more true every day, we each must ask ourselves if this is the world we want. If it is not, then we should seriously consider Dostoevsky’s solution. Is this vision of love more compelling and fulfilling?

Desire and Confusion

2010-09-01T00:29:00.000-07:00

The light from Her eyes fills empty space,
She laughs without reason or rhyme,
She looks best with a smile upon her face,
She is beautiful, but is she mine?

It’s Hard to resist her charm and grace,
In her Christ brightly shines,
She can bring color to any place,
She is beautiful, but is she mine?

The Pearl above her heart betrays her Gift,
It will not fall before swine,
I hope in our friendship there is never a rift,
She is beautiful, but is she mine?

She floods every moment full of Hope,
With her one forgets Time,
She is not one to sit and Mull or Mope,
She is beautiful, But is she mine?

That light I do not wish to smother,
And I feel… Though I may be blind,
That she may be meant for another,
She is beautiful, but is She mine?

Clawing Through the depths of my confused Soul,
Is No Flash, no Prophetic sign,
Only a question “What is my end goal?”
She is beautiful, But She’s God’s not mine.

Silence

2010-09-01T00:28:00.000-07:00

Some prize it above all the world,
Call these moments treasures each day,
Ideas often flourish in its embrace,
In its stillness a person may lay,
From that stillness God’s voice may speak,
And beckon us to come and pray,

Yet it is not good if left unchecked,
A strong demon it truly can be,
It lurks in the shadows soft as sleep,
Can sever souls and Shackle the Free,
It can part close friends and leave them wrecked,
And mar with doubt all that one sees,

It cuts deeper than any wound,
More painful than a piercing word,
It’s seen further than any haunting glare,
And though it may sound absurd,
It’s the loudest action though it makes no noise,
It’s the answer never heard,

In silence one is paralyzed,
No place to move on or return,
At least with words the wound can heal,
Or explain a false word or wrong turn,
In limbo I wait, completely unsure,
In silence you leave me to burn.

foolishness

2010-08-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

My last post, as it always happens, was full of errors and false assumptions. The wisdom of man- my wisdom- Is futility and striving after wind-

My absense

2010-04-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

My absense from my blog over the last few months is most likely due to the struggles I have been going through in my walk with Christ. I have been wavering, doubting, struggling, feeling an inhuman weight upon my shoulders.... but above all, I have been giving ground to the enemy. But throughout all this struggle, I have never stopped loving, or at least attempting to love, all people. I felt as though my world was being torn apart, and yet at the same time, I always knew that there would be a glorious light at the end of the tunnel. I am just waiting for the day when God hopefully looks down upon me and says, "Well done good and faithfull servant, well done."
But when one is in a fog, when one is under spiritual attack, it is difficult to see the end of the tunnel. When one is stuck in dark water, even if they are just below the surface, they have no way of knowing where the surface truly lies. They try and try, but until the hand pierces through the waves and the head protrudes afterwards, and an inhail of sweet fresh air finally comes, all one sees and experiences is the blackness that surrounds them. That water is suffering... That water is torment, that water embodies everything that I hold in contempt, and yet I know that it is my duty, as one that is supposed to love all unconditionally, to dive down again to the depths, struggle with the Monsters that are held therein, with the knowledge that it is only temporary. The knowledge that I am not alone, even in the greatest depths, is enough to keep me pressing foreward. I firmly believe that God's hand is on my life, and hopefully I am drawing nearer to him, even when I feel so far away. Hopefully the seasons of pruning, the seasons when I am immersed in falsity, will bring about seasons of abounding joy. I want to rejoice in all of life, and I want to rejoice in the Grace and mercy of my great savior. I want to eat from the tree of life that exists only in Christ. I am not a perfect being, and I am congnizant of my need for a savior, as we all are, whether we acknowledge it or not. I look at all the things that tie me to this earth: The computer in front of me, the books on my shelf, the clothes in the closet, the Ipod on the desk, the guitar in the corner, the bed behind me, and the passions within me, and I wonder, how can I detach myself from it all? How do I rid myself of this slavery that binds me to the earth, the same slavery that often keeps me from truly loving others? Can I? Should I? Or should I simply ask for mercy, and live as close a life to christ's that I can until the day when I am "partaking in the divine nature" (2 peter 1)? I love my savior so much, because I know that I cannot live without him, without that love and mercy. I cannot live without his morality, that morality that is meant point to a life under grace.

I know this is beginning to ramble on, but I figure this is very important... Important for my soul. I need to thank God for all that I have been given and ask that God's mercy would rest on everyone around me, and that God would give me the wisdom to walk in his blessing. God is great, and I will sing his praise for all my days.

In Closing, I would like to say that there is something that needs to change withing the structure of the church as a whole. We need to live in community with eachother. The service has been too focussed on only the service. We need to learn from one another, eat together, pray together, and be one together. It is difficult, I know, and the task is daunting, ecspecially when Ideas that have no place in a church are often held by the leaders therein. Gnostic Ideas, such as a radical seperation of the flesh and spirit. If we are but spirit, and the flesh is all evil, then there is no need of a ressurection, and christ's own ressurection meant nothing. Christ had flesh, and it doesn't seem that he lost it, but for three days. He rose from the dead, solidifying his place as the son of God. He is alive, not in spirit alone, but also in body. Gnosticism is dangerous, but it could be avoid, not only if we were tought different, but also if we all learned to live in community with one another. Unity of both belief and God. It is not impossible, but it takes a humbling of ourselves. Do not reject this notion of unity, for only when we ourselves are unified can we ever hope to reach an unbelieving world. I love you all, and will pray... pray that your faith is not in vain, and pray that God will reside within your inner most being.

The Spring

2010-03-01T17:43:00.001-08:00

There is no sport more physically draining than wrestling, but there is also no sport that comes close to being as physically rewarding. Yet apart from the joy of competition and the exhileration that accompanies the feeling of pushing oneself to the limit, the sport is one that sucks time and energy away from every other aspect of one's life. During the intense wrestling months (november through february)my body is so consumed by the sport that my mind has little energy for anything else. This is, of course, in no way Ideal. I feel trapped, and intellectually starved. I often feel confused, and often unbalanced. I feel off-centered, and often unable to read or write anything sensible.

Yet this all changes with the coming of the spring. It's like the same life that begins to bud in the trees explode forth in an array of different color greens also occurs in me. The coming of the spring beckons the end of wrestling season, and the promise of greener, brighter, longer days. It is the promise of time, and energy. It is the promise of Freedom. Ok, wrestling season is over, now real life begins.
I can read the Books that I have been waiting to read, I can now read. The words I have wanted to write, I can now write. The days I have wanted to fast, I can now fast. And not fast to drop weight, but fast to "cast off every yoke" and to draw near to God. My life has been returned to me.

Awakening

O dreams, my dreams,
Where is your sweetness?
Where are you,
Joy of nightly fleetness?
They’re gone away –
My fancies, gay,
And now alone
In darkness grown
I, sleepless, stay.

A mute night hovers
My bed above
In a flash lone
Turned cool and gone
Dreams of my love,
Like a tense crowd.
But still heart beats
The longings’ sound
And catches bits
Of dreams around.

Love, hear my plea,
Hark to my prayer:
Send back to me
Your visions, fair,
And by morn sky,
Again enchanted,
Let . . . Let me die
Still unawaken’d.

By Alexander Pushkin

Dostoevsky

2009-12-19T22:52:00.000-08:00

I am under the firm conviction that Dostoevsky’s main intention to rip my soul asunder. I am truly shattered. So much so that I feel I will never recover.

2009-11-23T09:54:00.000-08:00

There is a strange proposition in our society today, and that is the Idea that skepticism leads to infallible belief in scientific inquiry's objective view of reality. Skepticism is the most important aspect of the search for truth. By doubting everything, one must find not an instantaneous leaning to accept scientific inquiry as infallible, but a wary view of both our ability to reason correctly, and to see the world through perfect, infallible eyes, and also our propensity towards "magical thinking".

After choosing to doubt all knowledge, the next step is for that person not to begin scientifically evaluating things. No, the next step is to ask himself what is most important in life. Is the pursuit of Joy and happiness more important, or is the pursuit of knowledge more important? If your answer is that the pursuit of knowledge is more important, you are already on the path to destruction. Without the foundation of experience, and the basic experience of morals, ethics, longing, and spirit, the knowledge of reality becomes majorly skewed from the beginning.

Skepticism needs to be the first response. In Fact, it needs to be every response. Yet, if through skepticism, you think that the knowledge of truth leads to a system that is despair, then there is something wrong with your skeptical analysis. It is no longer skeptical for one. It is choosing to affirm the knowledge of imperfect scientists as infallible. The knowledge we have is not just fragile, it is inept when it comes to absolute truth.

To say that the truth we are finding is the best we have, and reject knowledge that is beyond our understanding, is to reject something hard-wired into our nature. A need for a personal God.

2009-11-18T12:52:00.001-08:00

The Shins are a brilliant band. Their songs are as melodically moving as they are lyrically complex. Every time I hear their music, I am reminded afresh why I am drawn to them. Yet, one day, not too long ago, I was listening to a song of theirs that I had never heard before. It was called “Those to Come” (The Shins, 2003), and what surprised me the most was how quickly I delved into depression the moment the song began. I felt like my soul was being robbed of something far more important than anything else: my soul. The end of the song summed up my depressed emotive state in the words “Kill, propagate, only to die.”
As I reflected on that statement, I began to wonder how the vast majority of our semi- educated society could be duped into believing an Ideology that is so depressing. To believe that our only purpose on earth is to drive foreword the cycle of life is no better than saying that my life is meaningless, or there is no intrinsic meaning to the universe. In all of our lives, no matter how inane, we struggle to find meaning. Doesn’t it just make sense that what follows from that want of meaning that there is something to be the object of that meaning? Doesn’t it follow that the search for meaning within us has an objective place outside ourselves? As a great philosopher of our time once put it, “"If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable, insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?" (Kierkegaard, 2006)

My biggest Enemy is Myself

2009-11-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

I admit, I confess to the void that is my unread and anonymous blog that I am prideful and conceited. And I hate it, and the moment I come to that realization, the more I understand my need for mercy. My inability to concede when I am wrong, and my complete inability to acknowledge when I have learned something valuable.
To give up control by humbling yourself is more than just ritual, and it's more than just something that is commanded of me... It's hard work, and I rarely succeed. While I am writing this I acknowledge That I am scared to death of losing. I am scared to death of being wrong. Yet, what if I am wrong? I have been wrong before and been pretty adamant that I was right. That was at least until something better was made known to me... but often times that "something better" will be forgotten soon after it is realized, and the lesson remains unlearned until a later date. A date that could possibly never come. Any intellectual triumph of mine has a tendency to lead to conceit. These are just the ramblings of a confused boy... Not a man, but a boy. A boy that is not a child, because a child is what we are called to be as men. I have not come back to that place of spiritual submission that I need. But once Again, I am rambling.
But again, other times I feel like nothing but a jester. I feel like nothing but a fool. A fool who often speaks when he ought listen and stays quiet when he should speak. A fool who has not a clue what he is doing or where he is going. Ugh. what am I to do?

going crazy

2009-11-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

Life has a way of changing very rapidly... and when change happens, I don't know what to do. I feel trapped in useless and meaningless time. I feel my life being wasted away by the adversities of sickness and injury. What does a normal person do to occupy the seemingly limitless amount of time in a day? Usually I would spend it sleeping, because that is what I have desperately needed to do in order to function. Wrestling wears you out, but when you are no longer wrestling, and consequently no longer tired, what are you supposed to do with your time? If I just sit, I feel useless, and my body isn't acclimated to spending vast stretches of time studying. My study hours are still condensed even though my hours in the day have been multiplied. What am I to do?

It seems that the changes I go through, especially when they are so recent, have their way of weighing me down. It is going to take some shaking up to wake up and start functioning.

Are emotions Hypocritical?

2009-10-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been unable to describe in words the lack of emotion you feel in a bland moment? How do you describe the disconnected feeling you have when your focus has lost it's object. What is the point of continuing to struggle for meaning when you know the meaning is there but you are unable to access it because of the state of your own mind?
How can you describe the lack of feeling involved in being away from God? Or maybe the feeling of tranquil peace you feel when God is near? Can an Observer tell the difference? Are there Social cues that give it away? The distracted fluttering of the eyes? Does your heart beat differently, or do your hands pause at less than opportune moments? Can physical reaction to things beyond the physical be observed? I don't know, sometimes I feel as though others can observe when I am disconnected. I feel like there are eyes all around me that notice when I am bent. Yet I know deep in me that there are no physical cues- no difference in breath or action. No skipping of the heart, no distinctive facial expression. Yet still I feel the pressure upon me. The weight of my emptiness in the moment crushing me.

Yet when I am joyful, people often ask me how I feel. When I am not, I usually don't get that question posed directly to me... Maybe it's because when i feel terrible my first reaction is sarcasm. To make puns at the feeling inside. Laugh away the pain. What a terrible realization that is that in my darkest moments, some look at me and see wellness. Strange: that I am a hypocrite in both respects- When in darkness I seem from the outside to be more jovial than when I am truly happy, and when I am happy (usually characterized by focus and stillness of mind) I am characterized by others as down.

Transposition

2009-10-13T07:56:00.000-07:00

The transposition of a Lion into a Cat. Did it lose something?

Recently I have been reading C.S. Lewis' Sermon on what he calls 'Transposition'. It is probably one of the most beautiful Doctrines I have ever heard articulated. In it, he juxtaposes different spiritual experiences, such as speaking in tongues, and natural arguments against them. He says that just because these may seem like unintelligible gibberish to the learned man (which in fact some undoubtedly are, you cannot rule out the possibility that they are not of a spiritual nature. Since Paul even said that he prays in tongues more than anyone else, and wishes that all people would speak in tongues.

The problem with judging such things empirically, or through reason, is that you are judging something of a higher nature with words and tools used for judging things of a lower nature. He states that just as deep emotional response to a beautiful piece of music can cause Agony to the listener, so a loved one can cause agony to the one loving. And in both cases, the same description of that feeling is given when you fall out of a tree and break your leg, or swim through Icy cold water. All these bodily feelings can be described with the same word: Agony, Pain, Distress. Yet we know that the agony felt when listening to a solo violinist is a good agony, and the agony brought by the touch of someone you dearly love is a good agony; but the broken leg and the freezing cold water are bad feelings. Yet they are described the same way, and from the outside, the physical response is the same.

C.S. Lewis says that when we try to describe emotion based on things we physically feel (pain, agony, soothing etc.) we end up detracting from the meaning of the emotion, and lowering that emotion down to the level of mere bodily feeling: Lust is the same as love in this case: The knotted stomach we get when we listen to Beautiful music is the same as eating some bad soup. This is all because what we describe is bodily feeling, nothing more.

Yet, Our experience tells us that there is a distinction between these two things. And indeed there is. The problem lies in something C.S. Lewis Calls Transposition. When we try to describe something of a higher nature using the language set of a lower nature, we end up detracting from the fullness of the higher nature. Emotion is higher than feeling, but who could know that based on the bodily characteristics displayed during both? Nothing. "sex" is still "sex" no matter if it's the one you love or not, but we all know that love is infinitely higher than lust.

C.S. Lewis Goes on to elaborate further: He says transposition is like taking a piece of music designed for an Symphony and re- making it for a piano. Obviously the piece would have to be condensed, and different parts in the symphony must be played by the same keys. That is because the piano is not near as complex as a symphony. So one key has multiple meanings. This is transposition. One word or feeling has multiple meanings in the the higher nature because the language for feeling is finite.

The same can be prescribed to the spiritual and the natural. Things that look like natural phenomena to the philosopher or the scientist, even if they are spiritual, will not look like anything but the natural because there is nothing in our word or experience to describe anything but the natural. So something spiritual, which is higher than the natural, will look like the natural simply because, in our world, the spiritual is above us, is greater than us.

It's as absurd as the vulgar man saying, there is no love because all I have known is lust; or the strict pianist saying the piano version of this song is the only version because I know no instrument but the piano. Therefore, there can be no symphony because symphonies don't exist. Maybe even that man, if he were to hear a recording of the symphony, would still only describe it as a piano because that is all he knows.

So in the end, we cannot ask any more of a philosopher, except to challenge him that there is a higher nature to things. A higher nature that cannot be described through our finite language and existence. This is a nature that cannot be expressed, only experienced.

Love

2009-09-20T00:18:00.000-07:00

It's not knowledge of sin or depravity that draws me to God. It is not promise of Salvation either. It is the overwhelming longing for that perfect love that is indescribable. The perfect love that you taste when you purify yourself of unrighteousness. That is why we must be perfect. Not because it is a legal requirement, but because that is when we feel the lord is near. That is when we experience his love, or the longing for it. And how beautiful that love is. How indescribable that love is. How I want that love, and yearn for his beauty.

Why I am not a Calvinist.

2009-09-15T21:26:00.000-07:00

How do I fight Calvinism? Well... Before I learned about the Orthodox Position, I fought Calvinism First and Foremost, with my own Experience.
I Fought it by saying that Calvinism portrays a picture of God that I cannot worship. It is a picture that does not match up with the experience (however Limited) I have had of God and his relationship to me. I do not see a grand puppetmaster in the sky dictating my every move. If this were true, he would be responsible for my sin, and the condition of my heart. This is obviously not the case, But lets get back to my experience of him. I see God as willing to love me no matter what. Willing to continue to attempt to draw me closer to him, despite all my failures. I see a God that seeks to fill me with his light and his spirit, and give me peace. A peace that cannot be explained. I see a God who wants to appease the spiritual anguish within me that threatens to consume my every move. I see a God who continues to give me a clean slate, as long as I turn to him, and love him. I see a God I want to be with, and worship with all my heart.

Calvinism would also seek to say that children are evil from birth. Despicable Children of darkness, guilty of the Original sins of Adam before they were even a thought. This is contrary to Jesus' analysis of children, and it is contrary to mine. Jesus said children are beautiful. They are the softest soil in the church. They respond to light and truth so quickly because they have not been corrupted by the world, not because they are more knowledgeable of their own sin. That is a lie, and Jesus says it himself. Why do you think atrocities to children are the most despicable, even in our own desensitized society? It is because we, even after the corruption of time, see the purity in children. A purity that cannot be denied. We all know that they are predisposed to sin, because of the sinful world they are born into, but to say they are evil is contrary to my own experience. You tell me one prophet of God that has said children are evil, and I'll tell you One that has said the opposite. In fact, God himself said otherwise. Children are beautiful, and they are NOT vessels of Wrath.

Back to the main point: I see God as unending love. I see him as the Source of all passion, light, and everything that is good. I see him as a God who has done all he can to reveal himself to us. That is how I have experienced him, and that is how I see him.

The second Reason I refuse to belief in Calvinism is because it makes God Imminent. It makes God Understandable to us. The fact is that God is incomprehensible to us. He doesn't make sense, but he has done all he can to reveal himself to us. And that revelation is beyond reason. That revelation is beyond comprehension. That revelation comes by faith alone. Faith begins where Reason leaves off, and all Calvinism gives is a reasonable God. It requires No faith to believe in a God who is in control of everything.

The third reason I am not a Calvinist is because I believe I am radically free. Free to choose him or Reject him. Free to have faith or to live in despair, trusting a finite intellect. I do not need a framework that limits God to working only within the boundaries of our own understanding. God works in mysterious ways. Where is the mystery in Calvinism? It doesn't exist. Everything is explained. Personally, I do not know God, as every Calvinist does. I am, and ever shall be "coming to know him more", as long as I draw nearer to him in faith.

Besides, Why would God create a world he had on strings? Why would he want a bunch of robots doing exactly what he planned and ordained for them to do? There is no freedom in that. If Calvinism were Correct, God would have, before the creation of the world, ordained that I would think these thoughts, and say these specific things about him. Where is the Joy and love in that? Does God love me and his vessels of wrath as a toymaker loves his toys? Good to play with, but really just mimicking everything I have programmed them to do? No, that makes God imminent, and makes him very easy to comprehend. That is wrong.

Ask anyone who believes in Jesus as the son of God of their experience of him, and they will tell you the same thing. They will not talk about how some preacher made them feel convicted of their sin. They always feel that conviction. What truly lies at the bottom of all of us is spiritual anguish. A pain that can be soothed but never goes away. They will speak not about their sin, but about the love of God, and what he has done in their life. If they had no Father, they will talk about how God Came along side of them, and was their father. If they had no Friend, they will talk about how God became the best friend they Ever had. If they were sick of worshiping things that did not fulfill them, They would talk about how God has been someone they can worship with all their hearts, because of his unending love for them. They would talk about how the sickness and guilt they had when they were living in darkness was replaced with his light and love. They will talk about his beauty. Not that the fact that their sins have been forgiven was not important, its just that in drawing closer to him, we logically move further away from the sin that paralyzed us. Jesus has made a bridge, wiped us clean, and trampled under foot the devil that has again and again barred us from drawing near to God.

What Orthodoxy has given me is a theology that matches up with my experience of God. That picture of God is beautiful, and complete... Yet at the same time it leaves room for the things we cannot explain, and the things God has not yet revealed to us.

For example, In regards to Original sin, Orthodoxy takes me back to Genesis. When God told Adam not to eat from from the tree, He did not say " If you eat this, I will Kill you". He said, "If you eat this, You will surely die". This is Important because it shows something very different about what is going on here. We must think of the tree of life as the life giving light and spirit that proceeds from God, and that by turning away from the source of life, which is God, Adam would surely die. The life that was in him left him, because he left it. He turned to his own knowledge. He turned to his own wisdom. By leaving God, his light and his presence, He died. God was not angry with him. He wept over him. He wept because Adam, the Image bearer he created, had left him for something else. He sought pleasure apart from God.

Of course this is a crude makeup of a much better argument, but it still serves it's purpose. We are born sinless, yet we are born into a sinful world, distorted by darkness. Because of this, we each make the decision to follow Adam. Yet God offers us Jesus, and offers us a way back to his spirit, and his life everlasting.

I AM NOT A CALVINIST, and will will never be one. God is just too beautiful to make him follow my rules. In fact, I will CHOOSE to follow his.

Thank you

What does it take to become transparent

2009-09-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

What does it take to make your life transparent? Does it mean exposing all the painful memories, lighting up every corner of the past? Does it mean looking toward the light and the future and practicing humility in full knowledge that I am the only one I can judge? Well I hope I judge myself rightly, understanding that I have more problems than anyone else because I know no-one else but myself.

I don't know If I can even make sense of myself. Too many times I live in the clouds because to live anywhere else is anguish. My world is also a surface world, and I need to change that. I need to sacrifice. I have not done this. Oh God, give me faith. I need you now.

Maybe the answer is seeking humility.

Fasting

2009-09-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

The words I remember most about Father Bernstein's Homily this morning is something he said about fasting. Fasting is about the persuit of holiness, love, and freedom from bondage. He said to break fast in the persuit of love is not to break fast at all, but to fast in the Greatest way possible. To Break fast in the persuit of loving others is not to break fast at all. I love this.

The second thing Father Bernstein said that struck me is that those who persue holiness find the persuit natural, without all the rules and constraints. The constraints are there to help in our walk, but the persuit of holiness must be our own walk toward God into love. I thought this was beautiful because it illustrates that even those outside of the Orthodox Christian Faith can be far more holy than those within, Precisely because Holiness is a personal walk of Growing in love. Love for all people. Love can be vaguely explained, but it cannot be measured by knowledge. Only Growth in the Lord Causes love to Grow.

I am not Holy, and I am constantly having to ask for mercy for my own sins, but I cannot measure the spiritual condition of any man, Whether he is Orthodox, Catholic, Calvinist, Pentecostile, or anything else that I can think of. Maybe even a Muslim can work from his corrupt religion, and individually follow that which is love: The Trinity.

The light and the Glory

2009-08-29T23:25:00.000-07:00

Over the last few months I have been struggling intensely over the issue of Orthodoxy, East Orthodox Theology, Church History, and how the new-found knowledge I have gained is, or has already affected, my walk with the Lord. I have Puzzled over this in my mind for the last few months, and what I have actually found is that when I rely on my own understanding, I end up in hopeless confusion and despair, and useless for any purposes that God could have for me otherwise. I stop listening to his voice, the prodding of the Spirit of God, when my own mind is cluttered with thoughts about what is right, and How to rightly praise and worship the lord. I have not been puzzling over what is truth. That has been firmly established in my mind, and my heart. Truth is following the light that comes from God, and increases as we draw nearer to him. Truth is the inner calling of the Spirit of the Lord. Not what we want to hear, but what we DO hear when we honestly humble ourselves before him, "Judge Ourselves rightly", and in the stillness meditate on his word. Truth is the beauty of the fulfillment that comes in knowing that I can approach the throne of God without fear, and I can draw nearer to the source of life and love without hesitation.
I believe that when God imparts the Holy spirit onto us, he gives us all of himself. All of his Glory, all of his light, and all his love, all his truth, and all his power he gives to us. We must all individually learn to perceive the spirit he has given us in greater degrees. Maybe this, this holy spirit that gives us access to God's light, and brings him to us is what Orthodoxy means by deification. The process of getting to know the spirit that God has imparted to us in greater degrees. In the old testament, the spirit of God would dwell among the people. This spirit was represented by the seven lights on the lampstand before the Curtain. It was the only source of light, apart from the shekinah that shone from behind the curtain when God's presence was among them. I believe it was called the manora. That lampstand represented the spirit of God. That spirit now dwells in every Gathering of believers. And if the spirit of God dwells among them, then they are my brothers. The spirit of God is also the light of God.
Our God is a mobile God. He moves where his people move; where there are people that have chosen to listen to his voice go. He was not stuck inside a building In the days when isreal was in the desert. He resided in a tent among the people. In the middle of the people. The tent was a safe haven, and a place where people could go and see his light (glory, shekinah) among them. God is among us, and God will be among whoever chooses to draw near to his glory, to his son, to his word, and to his light.
In every Congregation, there are those among them who do not truly believe. Who are going through the motions, and do not have a desire to draw near to God. And it does not matter if that person is Orthodox, or Catholic, Or Protestant, If they have not experienced a genuine encounter with the power of God, they will not truly love him, and will not truly love light.
I believe that now, as I am coming to the end of one of many bouts with confusion that I have already had in my life, I will choose to follow in C.S. Lewis' footsteps. I will choose to find what is common among all who truly believe, and truly hold on to the promises that God has given to all people. I have alot to learn, from a lot of different people.
What is the mark of a Christian anyway? It is a life yearning for God's light, which exists not in theological or philosophical musings, but in the life, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, The Love of God my father, and the Guidance, Glory, and power imparted to every believer by the holy spirit.

2009-08-08T03:46:00.000-07:00

Wow... Life is not easy...

But it is joyful.

And that is the answer, Isn't it?

Without Struggle there can be no joy in relief. There can be no Joy in rest.

God Give me strength.

Listen, and you will hear the lord.

Super Mario Kart is the most rediculous game in the world

2009-07-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

I have beaten Every cup Except for the 150cc special cup, and I SWEAR STAR ROAD IS IMPOSSIBLE. The Game is rigged. It has to be. I won every level up to Star road, so I still had all my lives. I lost every single one on that stupid thing! ridiculous. I was FURIOUS! furious. It was ridiculous. Unbeatable. That is what I say. BOO

Awesome God

2009-06-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

I went to a church "Drama Night" expecting to be less than amazed. I have been to these before, and frankly, before I had been unimpressed. This feeling was mostly because of the state of bitterness I was in due to certain doctrines I had been struggling with that were dead wrong, mostly centered around Calvinism. My mind was closed to God, distracted by these inessential things.
And today, even though my ideas towards things such as this have changed, some of that bitterness still remained present with me; Resonated within me. To say the least I went expecting to be unimpressed but by the Grace of God I was surprised.
I felt the presence of God tonight, especially as the night came to a close. They did a drama that I have seen a dozen times before, but tonight it resonated, almost bringing me to tears.
The drama depicts the fall of man, the crucifixion of Christ, and ends with Christ triumphing over sin, Satan and death. It is so fantastic, because without words, it depicts Christ's most powerful triumph on the Cross: Christus Victor. It depects Satan as the true enemy of our souls, and the cause of sin. This is important in our day and age, especially with our modern day emphasis on our own depravity as humans, instead of focusing on resisting the enemy of our souls, and on Christ. We are so focused on how much we as humans suck, instead of focusing on God's triumph on our behalf.
This is hard for me to articulate, but i'll try. So many times we focus in church on telling people how horrible they are, how they need to change, and how that change is going to be hard, and cause alot of suffering and pain. Yet when we read the bible, this is not God's message to us. His message is one of love. One that wants to rescue us from the clutches of the enemy, and show us the greatest good which is God's will in our lives. Yes, I understand that we as humanity are prone towards sin, but we also have an enemy of our souls. We are not totally depraved, but we have a tempter that distorts the truth and causes us harm at every turn. Any pleasure he offers will not be a pleasure in the end, but ends in misery and hatred. God wants to show us the only path that does not end in misery and does not lead to hatred. And that is his path. His way. His life, and his truth. Yes, truly our God is an awesome God! HE HAS WON. VICTORY IS THE LORD"S, AND IN HIM I FIND STRENGTH

A strange new world

2009-06-25T22:55:00.000-07:00

What pickle I am in. I see so much that is right and true in East Orthodox Christianity. So many things that seem to be great understandings of Biblical truths. Things that are so different from the Western Christian view, that I can't help but be drawn to this Tradition. Yet at the same time, many of the legal aspects, referring to the Garb of Priests, and the conduct of those for worship, seem so foreign and wrong to me. It seems to me to be a God worried about the minute knit picky things. These things don't make sense to me, and seem to me to draw away from the Focal point: the center point of Christ's Teachings: To love your neighbor as yourself, and To love God. This is where I put things in God's hands, I guess. Maybe the answer is that Orthodoxy can keep their glass a bit fuller than mine, I'll deal with that in a minute. Right now, I am going to focus on God's Love and Grace. And we will see what comes of it.

Crime and Punishment and it's effect on me

2009-06-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Crime and punishment has driven me to the edge of despair, the Depths of human depravity; The foolishness of our rationality; The full implications of a world where God is not; the full outworking of hardship; the danger of obsession; the injustice of poverty; and the psychological reality of insanity to a tormented mind. Yet in all of this despair, depravity, foolishness, Godlessness, Hardship, obsession, poverty, and insanity, there still remains the small, seemingly insignificant lining of truth: the hope of redemption, which only lies in Christ. This is a destitute book, skillfully worked into a masterpiece of fiction. So unbelievably believable, yet at the same time so extravagant as to come from a writer of such depth. Such conviction as to find the sure, steady hand of correction always available. The small chance of redemption: How truly painful it is to embark on this path to redemption: to embrace the correction which will ultimately lead to true joy and happiness, true fullness of life. How sad it is to not have Hope. To have worked out in your mind the full extent of what it means to believe there is no God. The meaninglessness that realization brings with it is nearly unbearable.

Let Christ's Grace and Peace extend to both the living and the dead. Let him find you on the edge of despair; in the Depths of human depravity; In foolishness and hardship; Obsession and insanity; and in the poverty of the lack of fullness of the mind, body and spirit. That I would find true fulfillment in the only place in which it is to be found:
In Christ, for I know nothing else

'And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men' Luke 2:52

2009-06-25T01:23:00.000-07:00

This Blog is my First. An attempt By me to put the thoughts that keep me up at night into words. And the Title of this first post of many is telling, given my current situation.
I have said yes to the call of God on my life, without fully knowing what that is going to mean for me. I have decided to follow Christ to the ends of the earth, and plan on doing so as humbly as possible. Following in Christ's example to 'Grow in wisdom and stature, and favor in the eyes of men and God. I believe if that Remains my Goal, God will take me as far as he can. As long as my heart remains open to his correction, he will continue to conform me to the image of Christ. As I grow in faith, I hope that God will bring me towards a robust understanding of his love, and the full implications of his Glory being poured upon us all.